Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
