Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
