A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
wow bdsm is so cute
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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