She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
