I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
