Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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