How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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