So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
