Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
