hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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