They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
