Soap is not a condiment
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
