There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
