that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
