Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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