Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You made out with two different species that night
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
