No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize