You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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