dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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