I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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