He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you had me at cake vodka
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
