Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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