how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
