I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize