some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
