When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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