apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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