Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
