Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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