Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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