grandma shit on top of the toilet
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
