In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
