Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
