the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
