Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
