I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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