Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
