Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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