Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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