Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
