My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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