Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
