I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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