Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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