Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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