i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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