My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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