Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
