I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
