i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
