I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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