Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just threw up on my dentist
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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