i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
